Bigger Dance

I’m a regular participant in Sports Radio 950 KJRAM’s Bigger Dance. Yes, it’s slightly misogynistic and definitely juvenile, but hey, they have great prizes! Sadly, I’ve never finished any higher than 1,500 or thereabouts. I used to be terrible at this contest because I’d try to guess the ladies that the callers would have picked and I always guess wrong. I’d overestimate how much people liked Angelina Jolie and pick her to go too far even if I don’t like her myself. Last year, and certainly this year, I can’t even do that because I have no idea who most of these ladies are. Actually, that’s a blanket statement. I just did a cursory look through the names and decided that I don’t know “most” of them. Is that really true? Let’s put it to the test. Below, I’m going to go through each entrant, 1-64, by name only, to see who I really know and don’t know:

1. Hayden Panettiere – I might be able to pick her out of a lineup, but probably not. I know she’s the girl from that NBC show “Heroes,” but I’ve never seen it. She was also the coach’s annoying little daughter on that terrible “Remember the Titans” movie. Incidentally, it’s really weird that Avon Barksdale was the star linebacker on that team and those “football” scenes that they shot were simply embarrassing.
2. Keeley Hazell – I’ve heard this name before, but there is no chance I could tell you who she is.
3. Isla Fisher – drawing a blank here.
4. Megan Fox – I know that she’s molten-lava hot because I’ve seen photos of her, but I don’t know why she’s famous. Is she an actress? Is she a model? I have no idea.
5. Elin Nordegren – Tiger’s wife and like a three-time runner up in this event.
6. Alessandra Ambrosio – no clue, sounds like a model though.
7. Jennifer Love Hewitt – what’s she doing here? Is she still relevant? I’ve always liked her, but isn’t she passé by now?
8. Jessica Simpson – she is too, and has added some lbs according to Eminem’s new video. Speaking of which, nice to have the guy back. I read some stories about him being riddled with acne and gaining 80lbs by eating Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse takeout every day. Does it seem weird to have takeout at a “fancy” steakhouse?
9. Beyonce Knowles – Yes, I do know who she is and that video with JT and Samberg for “Single Ladies” is fantastic.
10. Freida Pinto – She’s got to be a foreign model. Is she dating a soccer player or something?
11. Natalie Gulbis – the golfer lady who is good looking… for an athlete, but nothing special.
12. Emmanuelle Chriqui – I don’t know her.
13. Eva La Rue – or her
14. Mila Kunis – She’s an actress, but with an axe over my head I couldn’t tell you what she’s been in
15. Shakira – the singer from Brazil who moves this way and that.
16. Kate Walsh – Is she the woman from that terrible “Gray’s Anatomy” show?
17. Nicole Scherzinger – this isn’t very fun anymore.
18. Gisele Bundchen – Tom Brady won’t be the same
19. Reese Witherspoon – I don’t understand her appeal at all.
20. Brooke Burke – but I do understand hers.
21. Adriana Lima – Explain Marko Jaric again to me, please.
22. Sarah Palin – sigh. Tina Fey would be a better entrant.
23. Brooklyn Decker – I don’t get her. I guess she’s good looking, but she’s got a real alien-like quality to her.
24. Jessica Biel – she does too, if aliens were drop-dead gorgeous.
25. Danica Patrick ­– please, she’s weak.
26. Salma Hayek – But she’s not. She’s still bangin’ out 45 HRs and 140 RBI.
27. Eva Mendes – I’ve always been a fan.
28. Marisa Tomei – She was part of one of the best scenes from “Seinfeld” when George was “making out” with her on the couch.
29. Kate Beckinsale – I know who she is, but not really. She’s been in some horrid movies, like “Pearl Harbor” but I’m not that confident that I could pick her out of a crowd.
30. Halle Berry – I’ve been a fan since “Boomerang.”
31. Melissa (The Bachelor) ­– this doesn’t help me, no clue.
32. Vanessa Hudgens – nope.
33. Ana Ivanovic – she’s a very fetching tennis player.
34. Jennifer Aniston – like Salma, she’s still killing it. She’s better looking now than she was 15 years ago.
35. Julianne Hough – no idea.
36. Bar Refaeli – she’s on the cover of SI’s swimsuit edition.
37. Penelope Cruz – still hanging on, but she’s fading sort of fast. I saw “Vicki Cristina Barcelona” recently and she annoyed me in it.
38. SaraJean Underwood – what?
39. Jessica Alba – she’s great.
40. Scarlett Johansson – I saw her in 2001 or so in that horrible movie “Ghost World” and I can’t believe that she’s so popular now. She came on strong a little bit ago and I appreciated that she looks like a normal woman, but she’s fallen out of favor with me recently, I’m sure she’s devastated. Oh, she was also annoying in “Vicki Cristiana Barcelona,” I just didn’t like that movie.
41. Rosario Dawson – I do like her though…
42. Eliza Dushku – I’m not sure why she’s on this list.
43. Angelina Jolie – I understand that a lot of people find her attractive. I’m not one of them.
44. Anne Hathaway – she seems cool. I like her range as an actress, but she seems like a one-and-done type to me.
45. Erin Andrews – in danger of overexposure, but that’s fine by me.
46. Yvonne Strahovski – does she play the piano? Who is she?
47. Britney Spears – get real.
48. Katy Perry – I just read something about her lately, but I can’t remember who she is.
49. Lisa Gangel – local news person. Whatever.
50. Blake Lively – no idea.
51. Kristen Bell – no idea.
52. Kim Kardashian – she sits on pillows.
53. Rihanna – she got abused lately by her boyfriend or something, but I don’t know what she looks like and there is no chance that I’d be able to name or recognize one of her songs.
54. Taylor Swift - ?
55. Leryn Franco – She’s a javelin thrower from… Peru? Something like that.
56. Miranda Kerr – clueless.
57. Marisa Miller – she’s probably the best looking person on this list.
58. Eva Longoria – her run is over.
59. January Jones – I love “Mad Men” and her character has gone off of the deep end. I’m dying for that show to get going again in the summer.
60. Maria Sharapova – like Natalie Gublis, she’s pretty … for an athlete. Otherwise run-of-the-mill.
61. Kate Hudson – I don’t get her.
62. Carrie Underwood – or her.
63. Keira Knightley – I detest this 50 lb waif. Aside from being a less-attractive Natalie Portman, what exactly makes her special? I find that that she would be able to play an 11-year old girl, convincingly, a bit troubling.
64. Rebecca Stevenson – I think she’s a local news person, but I’m not sure.

I did better than I thought. I know roughly 68 percent of the names, and I figured I’d come in around 50 percent. My ignorance may help me this time around though, because knowing too much about someone may cloud my judgment. Speaking of clouding judgment, I forgot to mention one woman who I always picked to go too far—the mighty one herself, Heidi Klum. By any objective standard that woman is the most gorgeous person alive, maybe ever, yet she never advanced very far and now she’s not even in the field, which is probably for the best, at least for me.

Anyway, I look forward to finishing well out of the money again this year.

If you’d like to join my “office pool” here is the info for the one I set up:

Pool Name: Who Are They?

Password: dunno