Friday, May 1, 2009


It's impossible for me not to pile on here, so here goes, what else are we going to find out about A-Rod in the coming months?

How great is it that he has “rounded pectoral muscles” so much so that his Yankee teammates call him “bitch tits”? I thought steroids helped guys look more muscular and manly. It's news to me that it makes guys resemble women. We all know about the shrinking testicle thing, but this A-Rod story has brought new stuff to light. Steroid dealers must leave out that part when slangin roids to their junkies.

Dealer: “Yeah, these will get you really pumped up.”
Junkie: “So, will my pecs get really huge if I use this stuff?”
Dealer: (suppressing laughter): “Yeah. Definitely.”

As an aside, just look at that picture. I mean really look at it. It's too perfect.

The BT term has been tossed around to fatter dudes for quite some time. I first heard the term in college and it was appropriate for some guys. For all I know, they could have been roided up and couldn’t very well confess to that (either that, or they were just fat and sloppy).

Back to A-Rod, what else is there? Was he selling credit default swaps? Was he an advisor to Bernie Madoff? Did he bring the swine flu to the U.S.? Has he been secretly arming the insurgents in Iraq? Did he waterboard detainees? Was he behind the sale of the Sonics to Clay Bennett? Did he hurt Tiger’s knee? Did he kill that guy’s mom in “Slumdog Millionaire”? Was he a consultant for George Lucas on the prequels? Did he turn Lindsay Lohan? Was he filming hand signals? Did he kill Tupac and Biggie?

All of the above are possible. What’s also possible is that A-Rod may not be human. It’s unclear what evil forces are behind his creation, but some nefarious beings are pulling the strings and it’s getting out of hand. It’s too bad Arnold is busy running California (into the ground) because we could really use Douglas Quaid, John Matrix, Ben Richards, Dutch, or even Detective John Kimble to get to the bottom of this.

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