Friday, May 22, 2009

Denver v. LA

I am so pleased that I’m actually watching these NBA playoffs. These conference finals games are especially delectable, since each game has literally come down to the last possession.

The LA v. Denver game last night started out horribly because it looked like Denver’s players had spent their day off playing beach volleyball, lying in the sun, and blowing into Corona bottles—all while George Karl was trying to coax them back into their hotel rooms. Speaking of Karl, his face was so red and shiny last night that I couldn’t stop picturing him standing in the middle of the street, wearing a Tony Soprano robe, staring directly at the sun for 11 hours. You could have sautéed onions on his dome he was so hot. Also, I feared that his face was going to melt off from the heat (a la Raiders of the Lost Ark) when Denver allowed that inbounds play that went for a Pau Gasol dunk. That was absolutely amazing

Nevertheless, since LA looked terrible to begin game one (and won) and Denver looked terrible to begin game two (and won) I guess that means that starting out playing horribly is an advantage in this series.

I have one last thing about Karl’s appearance (or as I like to call it my “layup line”), his face is small. Really small. But his head is huge. It’s like his facial features are meant for a person with about 1/3 the size of his head. It’s not sweet to have a big head small face. But I guess that’s better than the alternative because you could have eyes on the top of your head, and that can’t look good.

Not sure if you knew this or not, but the TV cameras love Jack Nicholson. Hey, I love Colonel Jessup as well, but my goodness does he look terrible. They showed him sitting there and I couldn’t help but notice how extraordinarily flabby his belly is. It literally hangs down. Look, if you’re fat, it’s ok, but at least have the decency to put out a distended belly, not some horrible skin flap looking thing. I know that you’re old, Jack, but clean it up.

Now, about the game itself. I will continue to profess my love for Melo’s game, except his pouty, not getting back on defense b.s. that he must eradicate immediately. As such, my love is conditional. I’m hard to get. I enjoy watching Pau Gasol in the post, especially when he’s made up his mind that he’s going to score. He’s got great moves and is shockingly quick and aggressive when he wants to be. But then he gets semi-bullied by Kenyon Marin and he shuts down. It’s abundantly clear that you just need to push him around and hack him a little and he hates it. I do like him though, he shoots a great percentage and gets quality and garbage points.

I did not enjoy the officiating, as per usual, especially the 10 second delay blocking call that Dick Bavetta called on Nene (I think) and Kobe doing a full on two-handed shove in Dahnaty Jones’s back, causing him to fall on his face, right in front of Bavetta. Brutal.

A few other things about appearances, I’m doing left handed layups now, Andrew Bynum has the face of 14-year old, right down to the peach fuzz. It looks pretty clear to me that he’s never shaved before. Also, he’s huge. I don’t think he’s the second coming of Shaq or anything, but he’s a very quality big guy that shouldn’t be overpaid but probably will be.

I’ve said before how much I like Chauncey Billups. His game, demeanor, and everything are great. But he is kind of a weird-looking guy. I’ve said for years that he kind of looks like a long-lost Murphy brother, but a more accurate description is this. If, on that evolution scale (fish swimming, then getting on the beach and with its flippers turning into feet, then into an alligator and so on…) Eddie Murphy is the end of the evolution, then Chauncey is like 4-5 spots from him, with Eddie’s brother, Charlie Murphy right before Eddie. He just looks like a less evolved Murphy brother. But hey, I love the guy more than I love Eddie Murphy these days.

One final thing. I just read Bill Simmons’s mailbag this afternoon and saw this:

Editor's note: On Tuesday, examines the question of whether LeBron
James could play in the NFL. We talked to Bill Parcells, scouts, LeBron's high
school coaches and will have video of LeBron playing high school football.

Let it be known that I posted my take on this yesterday. If ESPN is the “Worldwide Leader” what does that make me?


I smell Cleveland by 15 tonight…

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